Meet Nicole Sodoma, Author of “Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry”
Anyone dealing with challenges in their marriage, thinking about a divorce, or on the other side of divorce knows that many people often respond with “I’m Sorry.” Nicole Sodoma, successful divorce attorney and author, wants to flip the narrative on that phrase by empowering couples (at any stage of their relationship) that dealing with a divorce (or thinking about it) doesn’t have to be considered the worst thing that ever happened to you.
In her refreshingly honest, raw, and insightful new book, Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry, Nicole shares real, funny, and empowering insights about marriage, separation, divorce, and how to build up a new life with tips, stories, and tough questions. You’ll feel seen as Nicole guides you through this journey with real, actionable tips to try in your life as you emerge empowered, happy, and educated. Read on to learn more about this book and Nicole below:
Westchester Family: How did the idea for Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry…come about?
Nicole Sodoma: After more than two decades of being a divorce attorney, including founding and managing a practice that focuses primarily on all issues related to family law for the past 15 years, you would think that I – of all people – would have known what to expect when my own divorce happened. And I did to a degree, but only from a legal perspective.
What I quickly realized was that there were experiences that my clients weren’t sharing with me, and there was so much that their lawyers may not be sharing with them. I did not want to be a part of the shame and blame game that often comes with separation and divorce, and the more times I heard the words “I’m sorry” when it came to my split, the more frustrated I became.
I wanted to confront the realities of divorce while also doing some myth busting along the way to make a positive change when it comes to the way people think about divorce and the possibilities that lie ahead after you’ve made the decision to separate. My goal was to empower and educate by being candid about the realities of divorce while also giving my readers a little something to laugh about along the way.
Westchester Family: Why was it important for you to write this book?
Nicole Sodoma: This book was important for me to write not only to educate and uplift others who were experiencing turbulence in their relationships, but because when I realized I was the only one standing in the way of the possibilities beyond the end of my marriage, I knew that other people may need to be reminded of the same. More often than not the work we do in life starts with ourselves, and in doing that work on myself I realized I had an opportunity to be more intentional about what I have learned in my career and how I could share that knowledge with the hopes of removing stigma and adding grace to the divorce process when possible.
Westchester Family: How do you think families can redefine divorce?
Nicole Sodoma: I often like to say, “It takes two to say I do and one to say I don’t.” And, most often, that’s the way divorce happens. This usually means when one person says “I don’t”, the other person may feel blindsided, may not be ready, or may not want the separation to happen, which can make it very difficult to work together amicably.
Once people have the opportunity to work through those initial feelings about being the one to stay or one to go, and do the hard work to love the children more than they dislike the circumstances (or their former spouse) if kids are involved, the better the opportunity to redefine divorce becomes. Most of us have been told all our lives that divorce is bad, that it’s an ugly word and an ugly process, but this is simply untrue and doesn’t have to be the case. Redefining divorce can mean working collaboratively with your partner to separate in a way that benefits both parties. It doesn’t have to be ugly. It’s about learning to compromise, perhaps in ways you were never able to during your marriage. If people are willing to lean into compromise and can identify and communicate their priorities, it becomes much easier to do the right thing for you and your family even when navigating the new terrain of separation and divorce. It is far past time for us to stop seeing divorce as an end, and for us to start celebrating divorce as an opportunity for new beginnings and new possibilities for everyone involved.
Westchester Family: Do you have any tips for someone who is thinking about the process but completely overwhelmed?
Nicole Sodoma: Is this the part where I say, “Pick up a copy of Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry”? Jokes aside, the first thing people should do is start taking steps now to get educated about the divorce process in your state.
Next? Stop rubbernecking your neighbor’s divorce. No two families are alike and the sooner you realize it, the better off you will be. Start collecting any relevant documents you may need and start thinking about what is coming instead of putting your head in the sand – ignoring what’s next won’t keep it from happening. Plus, you’re a human – not an ostrich!
Start talking with attorneys now and know you don’t have to hire the first one you meet. Once you’ve done so and you have a solid picture of your and your spouse’s financial circumstances, you can begin to see what life may look like on the other side of separation. And, if you get overwhelmed while preparing, show compassion for yourself and give yourself a day off from thinking about it. It’s okay to be overwhelmed, divorce can be overwhelming! Give yourself some grace and take some time to do something you enjoy to bring you back to center – go to a movie, hit golf balls, go to the park, journal, meet with your counselor and check in with your friends and extended family. Whatever it is that works for you – do it.
Westchester Family: Do you think children should be involved in the communication of a divorce or separation?
Nicole Sodoma: Ideally, children should not be involved in the separation and divorce process but unfortunately, that’s not always possible. Not only will they themselves have questions, but your children are watching and listening to you and your soon-to-be-ex partner during this time. Remember to put the children first always, there are age-appropriate ways to communicate with them and rules that parents can (and should!) follow to keep their kids, and their relationships with their kids, healthy through the transition and beyond. If you’re involved in a high-conflict custody case, consider employing a therapist just for your children and a parenting coordinator or guardian ad litem if they are available in your state to ensure your children are being both seen and heard throughout the process.
Westchester Family: We love how your shared tips at the end of each section, breaking down each step. Was that always a part of the book?
Nicole Sodoma: It’s a part of the way I practice law, so it was natural to add the tips at the end. When a client comes in, we often have a long discussion about what is going on in their lives and it can be a lot to take in throughout the case, so at the end I always take a moment to summarize our key takeaways and action items. The tips at the end of the book are designed to serve the same purpose. They’re my version of homework for your divorce and serve as an exercise in thinking beyond what is just in front of you at any given moment to what is next.
Westchester Family: What’s next for you?
Nicole Sodoma: I will be releasing an easy relationship workbook in the coming months that can be used both separately or in tandem with Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry. We take those tips and hard questions and dive in even further, giving people the opportunity to not just learn but unpack what they’re learning and best apply the takeaways to their situation.
In addition to continuing to assist clients and manage Sodoma Law, I’m also excited to have recently joined the Vistage Speakers Network and am looking forward to participating in more speaking engagements and book festivals in the year ahead! I always feel like the best version of myself when I am lifting other people up, and I am looking forward to having the opportunity to do a lot of heavy lifting in the future.
Get your copy of Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry here.
