Your child often takes (what seems to you) a long time to respond to a query.
Your son hates being in the spotlight, even to demonstrate his talents.
Your daughter would rather curl up with a book than go out to the movies with her friends.
If so, you may have an introverted child on your hands.
By Definition
Introversion is a term coined by Carl Jung almost 100 years ago to describe the person who gets his energy from within. Introverts often prefer doing things alone or with one or two trusted individuals. Introverts take time to reflect before presenting ideas or acting on a thought. Introversion, as opposed to shyness, is a very deep character trait that tends to stay with a child for life. Researchers estimate that introverts comprise 30 to 50 percent of our population.
School Days
Concerned parents may wonder if their introverted children are at a disadvantage in school. Parents of these kids are quite familiar with the teacher lament, “____ just doesn’t speak up in class.” In the American education system, it can be considered a weakness if someone does not speak up or state an opinion. Group projects may feel uncomfortable and class presentations can be overwhelming for introverted children. One Armonk mother described her son’s introversion as, “something that affects him and us [his parents] every single day.”
Carolyn Lanfredi, psychologist at Byram Hills High School, confirms many concerns parents have. “Because it’s such a fast-paced environment, these [introverted] kids don’t get time for reflective thinking.” While extraverts get charged up by the constant interaction of the school day, an introverted student may be completely exhausted by the time he or she gets home. “We don’t structure our school day in a way that values or validates some of the characteristics that introverts possess,” says Lanfredi.
Introverts have been described as introspective, future-focused, easy-going, independent, loyal, imaginative, intuitive, adaptable, selfless, creative, giving, values-oriented and empathetic. These qualities certainly seem positive, providing an evolutionary explanation for this genetic predisposition in nearly half the population.
The Benefits
In some cases, the introverted tendency can help kids succeed. Matt Rosenfeld, CEO of Pleasantville Prep, comments, “In my experience tutoring, I’ve noticed that introverted students often score very well on standardized tests because of their contemplative nature. They take the time to consider the questions being asked of them before coming up with an answer, and this helps avoid a lot of the mistakes that students who respond faster will make.” Jacqueline Malone, an English teacher at Byram Hills High School, also finds that her more introverted class of students tends to stay on task and engage in more effective discussions than her class of extroverts. “Before they even talk, [the introverted students] have thought it through, so their arguments are well planned out.” Contrast this with a discussion between mostly extroverts, where, “during a debate, I had to stop them to get them to listen to one another.”
Nonetheless, beginning as young as elementary school, the system seems to only value kids who are active participators and take leadership roles. Additionally, young introverts may not know how to cope when placed in a situation that feels uncomfortable to them, such as one where there is any sort of sensory overload. This could get them into trouble when their reactions are received as misbehavior. The good news for parents of introverts is that teenage introverts tend to get into less trouble than their extroverted peers.
“From kindergarten, children are trained to participate,” according to Noriko Shimizu, a Japanese-born Armonk parent who teaches the Japanese tea ceremony in local elementary schools as a means of helping them to appreciate the quiet meditation of her culture. “Teachers encourage students to raise their hands immediately, and just say anything.” She sees a stark contrast with the Japanese education system, where quiet reflection and wellcomposed responses are more highly valued.
Help Them Shine
According to Nancy Eppler-Wolff, Ph.D. and co-author of Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World, “We do tend to value individuals who are comfortable socially, and who can articulate what they want.” And while many people associate introversion with other personality traits, such as shyness or social discomfort, we all know introverted people who are socially adept and great at speaking their mind – under the right circumstances.
The right circumstances could be something as simple as having time to prepare; Noriko’s son has become a skilled debater in his high school team, despite his quiet temperament in the classroom. Or it could be discussing a topic of interest; many introverts lose all speaking inhibitions when discussing a subject about which they are passionate. One parent remarked about her introverted son, “When he’s comfortable, he has a lot to say!”
Eppler-Wolff notes, “Parents and teachers have a very important role in bringing out the best in children with a range of temperamental styles.” She suggests that teachers can help by pairing introverted students together and giving them the support they need to succeed, and by providing preparation and encouragement to the student who is reluctant to make a class presentation.
Gradually increasing a child’s interpersonal comfort seems to help. Jennifer Walsh-Rurak, Head of School at the Fusion Academy in White Plains, looks for potential opportunities to reduce the intimidation of social experiences for introverted students. “It’s not all or nothing. We give them power in their comfort level.” Walsh-Rurak finds that encouraging – rather than forcing – is a powerful factor in this process.
Educators agree that it is critical to build up expectations over time. An introverted child who is appreciated for his strengths will accumulate confidence over time that may enable him to appear more “extroverted” when the situation requires. Elementary-age children are primarily judged on their class participation, but as they get older, teachers have more outcomes to measure – tests, papers and projects. This helps teachers to get to know introverted students better, which, in turn, may increase appreciation for contemplative students.
“The best thing we can do for our children is to build up their self esteem,” says Jan Weiss, LCSW. Weiss emphasizes that it’s important to understand a child’s fundamental nature so that we don’t unintentionally create shame. “If someone is naturally quiet and introverted, they will not be the life of the party and will only feel badly if this is pointed out to them. However, if their strengths and good qualities are reinforced and recognized, they will be more comfortable in social situations. More importantly, they will be comfortable in their own skin and will feel good about themselves.”
Elisa Bremner is a frequent contributor to Westchester Family.
Tips for Parents of an Introverted Child:
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Don’t just accept your child for who she is, treasure her.
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If your child is reluctant to try new things or meet new people, expose them to new
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experiences gradually.
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If your child is shy, don’t let her hear you call her that.
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If you’re an introvert, try not to project your own history onto your child.
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Introverted kids usually have the capacity to develop great passions. Be alert to your
child’s enthusiasms and cultivate them. Intense engagement is a proven route to
happiness and a well-developed talent is a great source of confidence. - Respect your child’s desire for time and space to play alone.
– Courtesy Susan Cain, author of Quiet.
Resources:
- Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. Random House, 2013. powerofintroverts.com.
- Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World by S. Davis and N. Eppler-Wolff, Teachers College Press, Columbia University, 2009.
- Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, an animated program for preschoolers ages 2 to 4 which builds on the pioneering PBS series, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. pbskids.org.
